1I hate when old people poke you at a wedding and say "You're next." So next time I was at a funeral, I poked them and said "You're next."
2I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades. - Demetri Martin
3I'm not as think as you drunk I am. - Anonymous
4Hurricanes are like women: when they come, they're wet and wild, but when they leave, they take your house and car.
5I was asked to name all the presidents. I thought they already had names. - Demitri Martin
6For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain. - Anonymous
7My mother never saw the irony in calling me a Son-of-a-bitch.
8A boy looked into his parents' bedroom, saying, "And she gets mad when I suck my thumb!"
9I can resist everything except temptation. - Oscar Wilde
10I never let my schooling interfere with my education. - Anonymous
11USA Today has come out with a new survey. Apparently, three out of every four people make up 75 percent of the population. - Dave Letterman
12I have no further use for America. I wouldn't go back there even if Jesus Christ was president. - Charles "Charlie" Chaplin
13I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer. - Douglas Adams
14A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on. - Winston Churchill
15A lot of gay men stay in the closet because they are interested in fashion. - George Carlin
16A man has three good friends: an old wife, old dog, and ready money. - Benjamin Franklin
17Don't feed the mouth that bites you. - D.S.
18Then the nurse asks me, "How would you rate your pain?" Four stars! Two enthusiastic thumbs up! - Brian Regan
19Don't steal. The government hates competition.
20When people ask me how many people work here, I say, about a third of them. - Lisa Kennedy Montgomery
21I think the problem with people like that is that they're so stupid they don't know how stupid they are. - John Cleese
22Constipated people don't give a crap.
23Alcohol doesn't solve your problems, but neither does milk.
24Born to party but forced to work. - Anonymous
25It's better to be pissed off than to be pissed on. - Anonymous
26I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional. The knife had butter on it. - Rodney Dangerfield
27Always go to other people's funerals. Otherwise, they won't come to yours. - Yogi Berra
28I have two daughters, and both are girls. - Anonymous
29I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work. - Thomas A. Edison
30YOLO, you only live once but I tell you YODO, you only die once.
31It isn't the ups and downs that make life difficult. It's the jerks. - Charles "Charlie" Chaplin
32Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use. - Wendell Johnson
33When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car. - Will Rogers
34I love lamp. - Steve Carell, Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy
35I have often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming. - Jimmy Carter