Top Ten Responses for When People Ask Why You Don't Have Children
1Actually, we have two, but they are so hideous we don't let them out of the basement.
2We plan to, but don't know how. Can you help?
3[Spouse's name] is already a raging alcoholic so we don't need another person in the house babbling incoherently, soiling themselves, and crying for no reason.
4My in-laws have red heads in their family tree and I couldn't bear the shame of having a ginger child.
5We would, but cannot bear the possibility that they could turn out to be Special Snowflakes.
6I took the batteries out of my biological clock and put them in my vibrator.
7After the fourth miscarriage, we just couldn't take any more heartbreak.
8My wife is totally addicted to the taste of the raspberry morning after pills.
9We tried, but we conceived doggy style and ended up with a puppy.
10I'd like to, but I'm not just not sure [spouse's name] is the right one.
11Children? We ate them.
12Well, I recently went to the doctor and they found out that I'm... deathly allergic to children.
13Kids? As in baby goats?
14We're both overachievers so we're pretty sure the baby would have too many chromosomes.
15Because they could turn out to be a furry, brony, radical feminist, etc
16We want to, but it seems like every year they come out with a better model and we don't want to get stuck with something obsolete.
17Did you know that 100% of rapists and series killers were once babies? It would be irresponsible for us to risk it.
18We don't want our lives any more torturous than they are now.
19It hurts
20We will when you start making it look even remotely appealing.
21But, we're still not sick of getting eight hours of sleep and having all this disposable income.
22We would, but we promised our first born to an evil witch, and we'd rather not go through with all that.
23I hate children.
24Never. I hate kids.
25A dog and a cat are enough for us right now.
26I'm an introvert
27The world is already overpopulated.
28Should be soon, we recently found out we were using the wrong hole.
29We thought about it but then came to the realization that our social lives were going to disappear and that we were going to turn into our parents and thought,"nah".
30We do, they're just invisible.
31We've had four, but with my IQ and her cheekbones, the price those little buggers fetch on the black market is too good to pass up.